Confederate Sharpshooter

Before I get back into the hot and heavy topics of the day, with your kind indulgence I’d like to warm up to writing posts again with another story from the past, on a topic that is near and dear to me. Also, this is a good subject for this time of year, as the warm weather brings humans into contact with wildlife of all sorts-sometimes with amusing results.

I have, like most normal people, a great respect and love of the outdoors and wildlife. Unlike most ‘normal’ people, that respect and love extends to creatures not everyone cares about- such as possums, turtles, and snakes. It never ceases to amaze me at the reaction you can get from otherwise normal people by simply uttering the scary word ‘snake.’ A few of these people can be educated and overcome this irrational fear, but a lot of them are so emotionally terrified they can’t be reasoned with logically. (think Obama supporters) I suppose I might have ended up a ‘snake hater’ like these sad people, except for the wisdom of my late grandfather, C.M., whom we called grandpa. Proud owner of a family farm, and distinguished member of the Virginia Aberdeen Black Angus Society, my dad’s dad didn’t learn about wildlife by watching PBS or walking down a well-tended ‘nature trail.’ Nope, we learned about these things by getting dirty, sweaty, and trying to keep a bunch of stupid bovines from doing stupid bovine things. When grandpa learned that I had, on instructions from my grandmother, killed a magnificent adult blacksnake in the back yard, he gave me a serious talk on how things worked, including a visit to the feed barrel in the barn, and lessons on just how much poop the average family of mice could produce in said feed barrel, how much disease they could spread, and how rapidly they could multiply. (Get a calculator sometime and figure it out- 2 mice, 4 or 6 offspring per month and each of those offspring going forth and doing likewise- it is incredible.) This done, I was forbidden to kill any more blacksnakes, God’s perfect and insatiable mouse trap. Also, due to a bad case of asthma growing up, it was impractical for me to keep a cat or dog inside the house- so when ever grandpa ran across a turtle while cutting or baling hay, I’d get to keep it for a few days before turning it loose again where we’d found it.

Ok, enough background. Free couch? Here’s how you get a free couch….

As a result of working with some local groups, I was on the police and Sheriff’s Department call list for animal complaints involving reptiles. Every spring I’d get a bunch of calls as snake-fearing home owners ran across a little guy just waking up from hibernation. I enjoyed doing this sort of thing, for the most part, and tried to educate those who called on the realities of dealing with harmless reptiles. On this particular night, however, I’d get an added bonus. The Sheriff’s department dispatcher called my house (this was well before cell phones) and gave me the address of an elderly lady well out in the county who had seen a HUGE snake crawl into her sofa. (They were invariably HUGE snakes, even the 14” hatchlings were several feet long when described on the phone.) I got there as fast I could, as the dispatcher had told me the lady was quite upset. I arrived at a small but neat home with the back door standing open. I knocked anyway, and a high voice laced with fear bid me to come in. I stuck my head in the door cautiously, and to my utter amazement observed a little old lady perched on top of her kitchen counter, balled up in a defensive position with a large straw broom in her hand.

“Uh, you must be the person who called about the snake…” I ventured….
“I SAW IT GO INTO THAT SOFA. IT’S IN THE SOFA” this reply delivered at slightly less volume than a 747 at takeoff.
“Yes ma’m, I’ll be happy to check that out for you. Would it be alright for me to turn the couch over and look inside it?”
“YOU AIN’T LEAVING TIL YOU FIND THAT SNAKE.”
It was going to be an interesting night, I could tell that already. Often the problem on snake calls would be that the problem reptile would be long gone prior to my arrival, and no amount of conversation or education on my part would make the party who called feel any better about the situation. It looked like this would be one of those times. The lady was obviously very upset, well past the point of reasonable conversation, but I tried anyway as I pulled the bottom liner from the couch and matching chair, looking in vain for the source of her frustrations. After a reasonable amount of searching, I told her flat out that I believed the snake must have gotten out of the sofa before I’d arrived, and probably had gotten outside by now, thus no threat to her.
“I’VE NOT TAKEN MY EYES OFF’N THAT COUCH SINCE I SAW THAT SNAKE GO IN IT, AND IT HAIN’T COME OUT. AND YOU AIN’T LEAVING TILL YOU FIND THAT SNAKE.”
“Ma’am’, I’ve looked closely inside both the couch and the chair, and I can’t find anything. I’m sorry. I’ll be happy to come back if you see it again later.”
“YOU AIN’T LEAVING TILL YOU FIND THAT SNAKE.”
“I can’t find any snake in your couch.”
“THEN YOU TAKE THE COUCH WITH YOU.”
This was a nice couch- couldn’t have been more than a year or two old. But she was adamant. No amount of reasoning would change her mind. And, of course, she would not get off of the counter. That had to be getting cramped up there like that at her age. It wasn’t easy, moving and loading a couch and chair alone in the dark while trying hard to reason with a little old lady too terrified to be in the house with serpent-possessed furniture. But I did it. I left my name and phone number on the end of the counter, and asked her to call me when she wanted the furniture returned. She never did. I used that set for several years, and never once did anything more frightening than spare change come out of the bottom. I wonder sometimes how the little old lady explained things to the kids when they came over for Sunday dinner, and I have to smile. For what it’s worth, friends, remember this- anything you are that afraid of needs to be addressed. Go to the zoo, the nature science center, or google up a herpetological group in your area. Fear is overcome by training, and knowledge. Once overcome, it is no longer your master, but your servant. This is a good thing.

Yes, I still offer the service when needed. I’m also willing to help anyone willing to listen to overcome fear of reptiles or other creatures. Feel free to contact me if you need help.

Coming up later today: My first Appleseed shoot doesn’t go as planned- still learned a lot and had a ton of fun. (by 3 pm.)