Confederate Sharpshooter

I’d like to talk to you today about a part of self defense few people give thought to anymore: what to do when your car breaks down. The good news is today’s automobiles are safer and more reliable than ever before. If your car is less than 10 years old you probably would give little thought to jumping in for a cross county trip with a quick stop to check the oil and tire pressure- perhaps not even that. The trouble is, is something does go wrong, the chances of being able to get things going on the side of the road with some duct tape and pliers is about as good as your odds of winning the lottery. So, what can you do to at least be prepared for what problems you can solve?

This topic was brought to mind by something that happened earlier today. Pulling out from our rather rural side road onto a major US route is always fun, and today was no different. To add to the challenge today, looking just up the road I observed a good sized SUV stopped dead in the south bound lane, facing me. A line of cars were stacked up tight against the SUV, and a small sports car was blocking the center of the lane, straddling the center line, apparently caught in the middle when he tried to dart around the SUV and met cars coming in the other direction.

Did I mention all this started around the beginning of heavy traffic going home time?

Normally I go out of my way to stop and help folks out. I really do. I know it’s not the smart thing to do any more, conventional wisdom is ‘call a professional’ and don’t get involved. But this was well out of the city limits, the Sherriff’s department refers traffic problems to the State Patrol, and chances of having a unit available for a quick ETA would be nil. So there was a very good chance the impatient dolts behind the stranded motorist would manage to make things worse with at least a rear end collision behind, or even a head on collision trying to go around, were dang good.

None of this needed to have happened. I wish I could tell you that I stopped, helped this lady out, and taught her a valuable lesson. But I didn’t. I’ve been down with a nasty chest cold for some time now, was going the wrong way and would have had to turn around, and likely as not would have been a victim of the aforementioned collisions for my trouble. So this time I left it for younger and closer Samaritans, and hoped one would get the vehicle off the road before something bad happened. Even in passing, I could observe several telling signs as to what might have been the problem. First, the front bumper bore the plastic plate of one of the less trusted used car dealers for this area. Second, the driver was an older, grandmotherly lady, who looked positively bewildered at what had happened to her ride. Finally, the SUV- if I had to guess I’d say it was a Ford Explorer- was stopped in the level area between two fairly steep hills, just past one large intersection and just short of the one I was exiting. Good wide shoulders on both sides of the road. Car was obviously not under power at all, for what ever reason.

Ok, before you read further, ask yourself: what could this presumably nice senior citizen have done to prevent ending up in such a precarious predicament?

Quite a few things, if you ask me. And since you are still reading, I’m going to act as if you did. She could have pulled off the traveled portion of the road when she sensed the engine had died, for one. Buying from a used car dealer with a better reputation for another. Keep the gas tank full, and don’t cheap out on the maintenance is also good advice.

As we discussed earlier, cars are more reliable than ever, but they are also more complex. Back in the points-and-condenser days, I have nursed wounded motorcycles home with nothing more than the tool kit under the seat with only half of the twin cylinders working. I have also repaired broken air lines on 48 foot semi-trailers with a swiss army knife and pliers, and some improvised parts made from aluminum cans and other trash on the side of the road. Sometimes, you can still get things going with ‘improvised field expedient methods.’ But if that mysterious epoxy sealed ignition module decides now is the time to quite making the little sparky things spark, well, you are pretty much screwed until you have another epoxy filled module- and that after the big dealer-only machine tells you that is what is wrong. But what about those of us who have no mechanical abilities, and depend on others to do anything more complex than change a light bulb? Fear not, there is still a great deal you can do to avoid being the lead story on the late news.

First off, it’s always better to not have problems in the first place. This is a lot easier than it used to be- if you have enough money. If you’re never going to get your hands dirty working on it anyway, you might consider a leased vehicle. You pay your money, and let the dealership take care of all those pesky details like oil changes, tune ups, even tire pressures. Personally, I detest going to a dealership for anything, it’s expensive, time consuming, and they often treat you poorly. That said, if you are unwilling to learn skills for yourself, it’s an option. Option number two is slightly better: purchase a reliable automobile from a reputable dealership or a used car dealer that you can trust completely and take good care of it. In our current economic woes, that’s where a lot of people are becoming penny wise and pound foolish. Now is NOT the time to go cheap on maintenance. Real simple: if you can’t take care of the wheels, don’t drive it. You can walk now, or walk later. But you will end up walking if you keep putting off filling up the gas tank, checking the tires, etc.

You may think I’m a bit off topic talking about car maintenance as a self defense or survival topic. Far from it: the most popular place to find trouble is the public highways, especially when you aren’t able to choose where you are stopping. Ask anyone you know who’s had car problems, and see how many of them died in front of the repair shop. Years ago a broken down car was a great way to meet nice people who would do anything to help you out. That still happens, but rarely. Much better chance you’ll meet someone wanting something you have, be it the AAA wrecker asking for your credit card number or the roadside bandits who want your car for parts- or worse.

Even if you do everything to prevent problems, sometimes things go wrong. The delivery trucks have been known to put kerosene in the gasoline tanks, that bottle you just drove over might flatten passenger side tires, fan belts break, etc. What do you do then?
You have a plan to survive, that’s what. And it starts with not being killed while you sit there trying to figure things out. No matter what the problem is, no matter how fast it came about, unless you are sitting at a stop light or waiting for the train to pass, you have no excuse for being a sitting duck in the travel lane of a high speed roadway. Do NOT coast to a stop in the travel lane, and sit there trying to restart a car that obviously isn’t going to restart. Use the inertia of your vehicle to get it as far off the road as is safe and possible. You don’t want to park in a ditch or get mired up in the mud, but even that isn’t fatal. Sitting stopped in the travel lane is a good way to end up very dead. Get off the road, now. When I teach younger people how to drive, I get them out in the country and start with a known good place to stop, and reach over and kill the engine. “Your car died, get off the road.” I’ll announce, and let them dead-stick the car off the pavement. At first they’ll look bewildered, and claim they can’t steer, brake, etc. without the power accessories. But after a few tries they always start smiling and enjoying it. Nothing like a new skill to enhance your confidence. If I have a decent pupil, I’ll then give them a list of symptoms and ask them what they think is wrong. Then we go down the list of how to get out of the mess- do we walk, will the cell phone work (never does, I make sure of that.) Can we fix it here, do we count on help from a passerby, etc. It is nothing less than amazing how much good can come out of a few dry runs like this, and yet I can only name one other person who has done anything like it, bless his heart his daughter will be a lot safer as a result. More often I see the flip side of preparedness. I will never forget a summer afternoon- almost dark, the sun was setting- and driving past two teen age girls stopped dead center of a blind curve on a curvy state road that already had a reputation for fatal accidents. I pulled off the road, walked back, and offered assistance. “No, we’re fine, daddy is coming to change the tire.” Dolts. Imbeciles. Idiots. Bad enough you’re trying to kill yourselves with your stupidity, but do you have to kill the poor bastard who’d going to come around that corner any second now and plow into your brain-dead behind? I tried in vain to convince these Barbie doll lobotomy cases to drive on the flat tire long enough to get around the curve and off the road, and left them sitting there. I hope they made it home, and I hope daddy was smart enough to take away driving privileges until they wised up. But I digress. Yes, cell phones are wonders of modern technology, but don’t bet your life on them. Use that computer between your ears, and use it often- ask yourself once in a while what you’d do if this happened here. If you have kids learning to drive, remember that driver’s education in most states now is an even bigger joke than it was when you took it way back when. Be honest with yourself- if you aren’t going to be able to teach the proper skills, find someone who can. Ask those same professionals before the need arises- most all police departments have ride along programs, and the cops would rather teach your kid now than meet them later. If you know a truck driver- a good one- or a trucking company, ask them to show your trainee just how big the blind spots are in a modern semi rig. I’ve never tried it, but you might even see if the local rail road has a program to show the kid what a locomotive will do to a car. My personal favorite involves a Saturday night demolition derby at the local short track, but I’ll understand if you don’t want to go to that extreme.

Back to the lady in the SUV. When I came back by, the wrecker was hooking up the to rear of her wounded steed. She looked like a nice little old lady. I’ll bet her grandkids think the world of her. She probably doesn’t have a cell phone, and always counted on grandpa to keep the car up so she wouldn’t have to worry. That’s all good, as long as it works. But trouble most often finds the unprepared, and these days the trouble is easier to find, and worse to deal with. If you have someone you care about, do something that might save their life one day- teach them what do when things go wrong. It might be the best thing you’ve ever done.